conNecteDD

It's been a while...

Motherhood happened and I stopped writing. I needed some time to "get it". And I found it difficult to be honest in my writing so I stopped writing. 

Being a mother changed me. 

I knew it would, but I didn't know how. So many mixed emotions and unresolved feelings, for myself and my children. 

So I experimented different roles, different personalities. And not sitting with any. 

I met many moms, many women, many humans that were doing things that i wanted to do. I had many ideas and projects and didn't find the resolve to do them. I felt tired all the time. And I became TIRED. And it felt good for a while but it didn't last.

What's that thing, GUIILT. Yes, that was all over. Guilt for doing and for not doing. 

I gave room to OTHERS. Many people. I felt comfort in giving, hoping that I would reveal myself again, in giving, you know sort of find my calling, something like that. but I just grew more TIRED. 

There was just EMPTINESS. The kind you feel after doing the same things over and over again, until you've perfected it like a machine...and then theres no thought or feeling, just moving from one action to another.

I found myself there many times. And I didn't feel like trying to resurface, there was some comfort in that emptiness. As if I was watching people from outside my body. And everything was just so. I was still there, but not quite. Anyway, I couldn't stay there very long in this space. Because it just grew... so at various points I would return to life in colour. 

Somehow I am here again. Present. I feel awake, connected.