People Do What Works

I've taken a year off life to live, as it where. And it was in this space of possibility not bound by deadlines and commitments that I came across this book 'Life Strategies – Doing what works, Doing what matters' by Dr. Phil (you may know him from Oprah) entitled. It was this book but it could've been any other, any other to help me brake from the cycle of frustration I was stuck in. 

And according to Dr. Phil, people do what works, meaning that even when I engage in a negative behaviour I do so because there is a a benefit for me. That's why the behaviour persists. He offers that the best way to break away from this pattern is by understanding why I do it.

During this time I also read a book by Osho, that supported a similar message with a different angle, and I quote: 'Thinking is borrowed. All your thoughts are given by others to you. Watch – can you find a single thought that is yours. That you have given birth to. They are all borrowed.”

I supposed I find essential to say that before I came across these two gentlemen, I was frustrated with getting the same results over and over again and I was ready to take the necessary action to change. So I started this journey, with this book, to help me read between the lines of my behaviour and understand 'how things came to be this way'.

Besides, I find the exercise of writing very rewarding, catching my wandering thoughts on paper always helps me see things more clearly, and I strongly recommend it to everyone.

We form patterns, that's how we see life, through patterns. When we notice something happening a couple of times, we form a thought process or a decision that says 'that's how things come to be this way'. Seldom we test this notion to know if it's real but it sits there in our unconscious mind subtly guiding our behaviours.

And when you try to understand the world, like I'm doing, all you need to do is look at the prevailing thought of the time to understand the 'force' shaping people's behaviours and influencing their actions, sometimes even to the detriment of rational thinking. Think of the 60's, 70's, 80's what was the prevailing mood, what were people doing then? Think about how people speak, what they are passionate about, what is the prevailing thought shaping their behaviour?

Yesterday, I had an interesting and very challenging conversation with my husband regarding the Trayvon Martin incident. He was asking how come people were quick to condemn and glorify and not to stop and think, according to his perception, and ask some obvious questions:

• What was the thought process guiding this man who shot the kid? Why did he feel threatened? Is he just mad or was there some substance to his fear?
• Why did the media report that a 'black' kid was shot by a man? They could've said a kid was shot. Or why not say a 'latino man shot a black kid', you know for consistency. What agenda did they have in solely identifying the kid as 'black'?
• What is the prevailing message repeated by the media about 'black youth'?

• The incident forced the President to make a statement, I ask, what is the effect of such action at election time?
• “Is there a prevailing message about black people that casts us as victims?” How does a thought process like that affect the identity of a person/ a people/ a culture?

These are all questions that arose from our conversation.

I can't speak for everyone but for a long time I felt myself a victim because I'm black and because I'm a female. This thought process imbued in my every action took away my responsibility for my life and my actions. I blamed everyone else for my circumstances. And the prevailing thought was 'if I was not to blame, then there was nothing I could do, the world needed to change, not me because I was a victim'.

The fact is that a young man was shot by a man. Everything else added to this reality are our own meanings: people's fears and prejudices.

“People assumed that they understood immediately and weren't open to listen to others... Likewise, it shows how we are, for the most part, unaware of the motivations that govern our actions”.ⁱ

For most of us the world that we live in is one of borrowed thoughts and messages. I feel that as a responsible citizen I owe it to myself and others, to identify the messages that condition and shape my thought. To know that as a black woman when I hear the mention of 'Black' my energy is channelled without restraint to my 'black brethren' because of a thought process that guides me to believe that 'black people are always treated unfairly'. And as I know this, I have to stop and consider my blind spot, the things I do not see because it's too upsetting to me.

I feel that Mr. Zimmerman might have been led by a similar belief only in his case, and following the media, his message would be 'black kids are more likely to commit a crime'. A scary thought.

We all engage in this kind of mechanical and unquestioned thought, sometimes with tragic consequences. And the truth gets lost in the noise of our meanings, opinions and interpretations.

People do what works, whether the result is a desired one or not, there's a benefit that guides that behaviour. I would suggest to everyone to take some time to understand why it is we do the things we do, know your blind spots, understand how we learn – or don't – to listen and leave room for measure in our speech, beliefs and conversations. It's important to preserve that space.

“What most people want is not the truth but validation. They want reinforcements for their thinking, right or wrong. They seek out the people and the information that supports the conclusion they've already reached, factual or otherwise. The only things they want to hear are things that make them feel good, that give them comfort for who or where they are, right now... We make ourselves right, because that's what we treasure in life: being right. We make ourselves right by living according to our beliefs.” - Dr Phil.

i Excerpt from Psychoanalyst Darian Leader, in conversation with Jules Evans, founder of the London Philosophy Club, on the issues behind the London rioting for the Psychologies magazine, November 2011.