The Risk of Independence

I dedicate this one to my cousin Daniela and my young brother Goncalo, who are entering adulthood. It's a tough transition and there are no written rules to guide you. As you grow, be safe in the knowledge that you have friends and family that will always love you, no matter what you do, as long as you are you. And you have friends with whom you can talk about anything, but you need to reach and be brave to ask for help whenever you need it. Love you both very much.

The passage below was taken from the book The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck


"Thus all life represents a risk, and the more lovingly we live our lives the more risks we take. Of the thousands maybe even millions, of risks we can take in a lifetime the greatest is the risk of growing up. Growing up is the act of stepping from childhood into adulthood. Actually it is more of a fearful leap than a step, and it is a leap that many people never really take in their lifetimes. Though they may outwardly appear to be adults, even successful adults, perhaps the majority of 'grown-ups' remain until their death psychological children who have never truly separated themselves from their parents and the power that their parents have over them.

[...] At the age of thirteen I went away from home to Phillips Exeter Academy, a boy's preparatory school of the very highest reputation, to which my brother had gone before me. I knew that I was very fortunate to be going there, because attendance at Exeter was part of a well defined pattern that would lead me to the one of the best Ivy League colleges and from there int the highest echelons of the Establishment, whose doors would be wide open to me on account of my educational background. [...] The only problem was that almost immediately after starting Exeter I became miserably unhappy. The reasons for my unhappiness were totally obscure to me then and are still quite profoundly mysterious to me today. I just didn't seem to fit. Yet there seemed nothing to do other than try to make the best of it and try to mold my imperfections so that I could fit more comfortably into this pattern that had been laid out for me and that was so obviously the right pattern. Yet my daily life appeared more meaningless and I felt more wretched. [...] when I returned home for spring vacation of my third year and announced that I was not going to return to school. [...] My parents were understandably alarmed and took me forthwith to a psychiatrist, who stated that I was depressed and recommended a month's hospitalisation, giving me a day to decide whether or not this was what I wanted. That night was the only time I ever considered suicide. My brother had adjusted to Exeter, why couldn't I? I knew that my difficulty in adjusting was entirely my fault, and I felt totally inadequate , incompetent and worthless. Worse, I believed that I was probably insane. If I returned to Exeter, I would be returning to all that was safe, secure, right, proper, constructive, proven and known. Yet it was not me. But what was my path? If I did not return, all that lay ahead was unknown, undetermined, unsafe, insecure, unsanctified, unpredictable.  [...] Even if it meant being crazy and out of step with all that seemed holy, I had decided to be me. [...] I had taken my destiny into my own hands.

The process of growing up usually occurs  very gradually with multiple little leaps in the unknown, such as when an eight-year-old boy first takes the risk of riding his bike down to the country store all by himself or a fifteen-year-old goes out on his first date. If you doubt that these represent real risks, then you cannot remember the anxiety involved.

[...] Among all the little leaps we might take, there are also some enormous ones, as when by leaving school I was also forsaking a whole pattern of life and values according to which I had been raised. Many never take any of these potential enormous leaps, and consequently do not ever really grow up at all. Despite their outward appearances they remain psychologically still very much the children of their parents, living by hand-me-down values, motivated primarily by their parents' approval and disapproval (even when their parents are long dead and buried), never having dared to truly take their destiny into their own hands.

But what has this business of growing up to do with love [...]? It is precisely because I valued myself that I was unwilling to remain miserable in a school and whole social environment that did not fit my needs. [...] Secondly, not only does love for oneself provide the motive for such major changes; it also is the basis for the courage to risk them. [...] Finally, it is only when one has taken the leap into the unknown of total selfhood, psychological independence and unique individuality that one is free to proceed along still higher paths of spiritual growth and free to manifest love in its greatest dimensions.

[...] The highest forms of love are inevitably totally free choices and not acts of conformity."