Am I free?

I recently finished reading 'The Matter with Morris' by David Bergen. This book tells of a man plunged into a search for the meaning of justice following the accidental death of his son in the war in Afghanistan. This search takes him to read Socrates, and amongst other things, his quest leads him to pose the question 'Are you free?' to people on the street .

I found myself pausing at this question and wondering to myself 'Am I free'? I can understand that this is not an easy question and any attempt to answer it, is just that, an attempt. Yet, I looked keenly at my life and how my definition of Freedom has changed over time and where I am on that definition today.

I see myself as a free person, in that I have choice. I can choose what to do with my life, where to go, whom to see, what to believe. I also believe that freedom comes with a great responsibility to choose well and we each bear that responsibility, for ourselves and the world at large. I've not always done that in my life.

As a teenager I misconstrued freedom with financial independence. It could have been freedom, but I chose badly and soon found myself managing debts. The illusion that I was in control, was upheld by the fact that I was working and earning money, and as long as I had money coming in I could 'effectively' manage my debt. When I watched the collapse of the financial institutions, it did not take me long to realise that it was the collective actions of individuals that made it happen. Not just the bankers but also the average Joe, who borrowed money to finance a lifestyle he/she knew could not be funded with their own resources. Actions led, ultimately, by greed. Myself included.

'We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves. ~Mark Twain

My second conscious experience with freedom came when as a young adult I stopped relaxing my hair and chose to wear it natural. No more worrying about hair salon appointments, now I just get up and go.

I used to spend a considerable amount of time concerned with how I looked, worried about how my hair looked and the clothes I wear. And sometimes if I did not feel good about my external appearance I found it hard to leave the house. This distraction, which takes many forms, I cannot find another name for other than Vanity.
van·i·ty  (vn-t)

n. pl. van·i·ties

1. The quality or condition of being vain.

2. Excessive pride in one's appearance or accomplishments; conceit. See Synonyms at conceit.

3. Lack of usefulness, worth, or effect; worthlessness.

4.

a. Something that is vain, futile, or worthless.

b. Something about which one is vain or conceited.

5. A vanity case.

6. See dressing table.

7. A bathroom cabinet that encloses a basin and its water lines and drain, usually furnished with shelves and drawers underneath for storage of toiletries.

This mistress of deception has been around for a long time and manipulates individuals to search outside for what they need to feel good inside. It survives through culture, history, geographical locations and institutions. It was very difficult for me to see Vanity,  first I thought that it was the 'oppression of white society' and their ideas of beauty that made me forsake my own. Then I moved on to thinking that if my parents had said they loved me more often all would have been well. Then I came to this space where I thought that I didn't love myself enough.

When I stopped blaming others I finally took responsibility for the messages I told myself and I saw Vanity as a distraction that could be easily discarded.

“I wrote these words for everyone/Who struggles in their youth/Who won't accept deception
Instead of what is truth/It seems we lose the game/Before we even start to play/Who made these rules? We're so confused/Easily led astray.” Lauryn Hill in Everything is Everything

After I got married I knocked down a few more of the walls around my heart. The ones I spent time building so I would not get hurt. What I call walls, are no more than stories I told myself about me, people and men, stories that serve no other purpose than to keep me away from people, safe. Everyone has them.

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” - Jalal Ad-Din Muhammad Rumi, Persian poet

Marriage is one of the few rituals we still hold according to old traditions. Very little has changed. I think that the reason why is because it works. It holds a formula that helps keep humanity's excesses in balance by encouraging a way of life that is not just about ourselves, our needs and wants. Encouraging us to loose ourselves everyday a little by embracing the unknown of loving someone without ever fully knowing them.


In my vows I found guidelines to help me choose well. I found integrity by committing my word publicly to the well-being of another, restraint by committing my body to one man and love by choosing love for everyday of my life. And in this space of possibility, freed of man's fears, I saw two human beings choosing to love and respect each other in this context we call world.

Marriage elevated my world to a language I did not know before. One that is about life and permanence.

"Imagine there's no countries/ It isn't hard to do/ Nothing to kill or die for/And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace" - Imagine by John Lennon

Freedom I come to realise is not about having it all, it's about having enough. And I would even go further in saying that the biggest challenge in being free is that once you attain you let it go. When you hold on to it very dearly then you're no longer free. And freedom needs the space to evolve. Personally, I think we're ill prepared for it and I care not for the freedom that sustains itself by taking away from others. There's no need. There's plenty for everyone if we choose to exercise our freedom responsibly and collectively so that other generations can live a full life in this planet we call home.

But nothing changes if we don't confront it and the first premise to this way of life starts with your attempt to question yourself, are you free?