conNecteDD

It's been a while...

Motherhood happened and I stopped writing. I needed some time to "get it". And I found it difficult to be honest in my writing so I stopped writing. 

Being a mother changed me. 

I knew it would, but I didn't know how. So many mixed emotions and unresolved feelings, for myself and my children. 

So I experimented different roles, different personalities. And not sitting with any. 

I met many moms, many women, many humans that were doing things that i wanted to do. I had many ideas and projects and didn't find the resolve to do them. I felt tired all the time. And I became TIRED. And it felt good for a while but it didn't last.

What's that thing, GUIILT. Yes, that was all over. Guilt for doing and for not doing. 

I gave room to OTHERS. Many people. I felt comfort in giving, hoping that I would reveal myself again, in giving, you know sort of find my calling, something like that. but I just grew more TIRED. 

There was just EMPTINESS. The kind you feel after doing the same things over and over again, until you've perfected it like a machine...and then theres no thought or feeling, just moving from one action to another.

I found myself there many times. And I didn't feel like trying to resurface, there was some comfort in that emptiness. As if I was watching people from outside my body. And everything was just so. I was still there, but not quite. Anyway, I couldn't stay there very long in this space. Because it just grew... so at various points I would return to life in colour. 

Somehow I am here again. Present. I feel awake, connected. 

Being You

 Quote from the movie: Akelaah and the Bee

Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?
Akeelah: I don't know.
Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?
Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?
Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?
Akeelah: Afraid of... me?