People Do What Works

I've taken a year off life to live, as it where. And it was in this space of possibility not bound by deadlines and commitments that I came across this book 'Life Strategies – Doing what works, Doing what matters' by Dr. Phil (you may know him from Oprah) entitled. It was this book but it could've been any other, any other to help me brake from the cycle of frustration I was stuck in. 

And according to Dr. Phil, people do what works, meaning that even when I engage in a negative behaviour I do so because there is a a benefit for me. That's why the behaviour persists. He offers that the best way to break away from this pattern is by understanding why I do it.

During this time I also read a book by Osho, that supported a similar message with a different angle, and I quote: 'Thinking is borrowed. All your thoughts are given by others to you. Watch – can you find a single thought that is yours. That you have given birth to. They are all borrowed.”

I supposed I find essential to say that before I came across these two gentlemen, I was frustrated with getting the same results over and over again and I was ready to take the necessary action to change. So I started this journey, with this book, to help me read between the lines of my behaviour and understand 'how things came to be this way'.

Besides, I find the exercise of writing very rewarding, catching my wandering thoughts on paper always helps me see things more clearly, and I strongly recommend it to everyone.

We form patterns, that's how we see life, through patterns. When we notice something happening a couple of times, we form a thought process or a decision that says 'that's how things come to be this way'. Seldom we test this notion to know if it's real but it sits there in our unconscious mind subtly guiding our behaviours.

And when you try to understand the world, like I'm doing, all you need to do is look at the prevailing thought of the time to understand the 'force' shaping people's behaviours and influencing their actions, sometimes even to the detriment of rational thinking. Think of the 60's, 70's, 80's what was the prevailing mood, what were people doing then? Think about how people speak, what they are passionate about, what is the prevailing thought shaping their behaviour?

Yesterday, I had an interesting and very challenging conversation with my husband regarding the Trayvon Martin incident. He was asking how come people were quick to condemn and glorify and not to stop and think, according to his perception, and ask some obvious questions:

• What was the thought process guiding this man who shot the kid? Why did he feel threatened? Is he just mad or was there some substance to his fear?
• Why did the media report that a 'black' kid was shot by a man? They could've said a kid was shot. Or why not say a 'latino man shot a black kid', you know for consistency. What agenda did they have in solely identifying the kid as 'black'?
• What is the prevailing message repeated by the media about 'black youth'?

• The incident forced the President to make a statement, I ask, what is the effect of such action at election time?
• “Is there a prevailing message about black people that casts us as victims?” How does a thought process like that affect the identity of a person/ a people/ a culture?

These are all questions that arose from our conversation.

I can't speak for everyone but for a long time I felt myself a victim because I'm black and because I'm a female. This thought process imbued in my every action took away my responsibility for my life and my actions. I blamed everyone else for my circumstances. And the prevailing thought was 'if I was not to blame, then there was nothing I could do, the world needed to change, not me because I was a victim'.

The fact is that a young man was shot by a man. Everything else added to this reality are our own meanings: people's fears and prejudices.

“People assumed that they understood immediately and weren't open to listen to others... Likewise, it shows how we are, for the most part, unaware of the motivations that govern our actions”.ⁱ

For most of us the world that we live in is one of borrowed thoughts and messages. I feel that as a responsible citizen I owe it to myself and others, to identify the messages that condition and shape my thought. To know that as a black woman when I hear the mention of 'Black' my energy is channelled without restraint to my 'black brethren' because of a thought process that guides me to believe that 'black people are always treated unfairly'. And as I know this, I have to stop and consider my blind spot, the things I do not see because it's too upsetting to me.

I feel that Mr. Zimmerman might have been led by a similar belief only in his case, and following the media, his message would be 'black kids are more likely to commit a crime'. A scary thought.

We all engage in this kind of mechanical and unquestioned thought, sometimes with tragic consequences. And the truth gets lost in the noise of our meanings, opinions and interpretations.

People do what works, whether the result is a desired one or not, there's a benefit that guides that behaviour. I would suggest to everyone to take some time to understand why it is we do the things we do, know your blind spots, understand how we learn – or don't – to listen and leave room for measure in our speech, beliefs and conversations. It's important to preserve that space.

“What most people want is not the truth but validation. They want reinforcements for their thinking, right or wrong. They seek out the people and the information that supports the conclusion they've already reached, factual or otherwise. The only things they want to hear are things that make them feel good, that give them comfort for who or where they are, right now... We make ourselves right, because that's what we treasure in life: being right. We make ourselves right by living according to our beliefs.” - Dr Phil.

i Excerpt from Psychoanalyst Darian Leader, in conversation with Jules Evans, founder of the London Philosophy Club, on the issues behind the London rioting for the Psychologies magazine, November 2011.

The movie

"The unexamined life is not worth living... "(Socrates, in Plato, Dialogues, Apology)

I always love the metaphor of actors and movies because we can watch a movie, a good movie, and be so moved and inspired by the performances that sometimes is hard to believe it is a movie. We can tell straight away a good movie from the bad movie. Sometimes we get so wrapped up with the characters, we take in their pain as if it was ours... and whenever we remember the movie it can get us to tears...as if we were seeing it again.

An example comes to mind:  my grandmother watching the Spanish soap operas and hating, of course, the mean girl. Disliking her completely, so much that no matter what other soap operas the woman does, by grandmother still does not like her, in her own words 'That girl is not a good person, she hurt a lot of people'. I tried to explain to my grandmother that it was just her role... but well... 

Perhaps in our lives we were given the script, let's call it 'Survival'. And in this script there are bad guys and good guys, there are the extras, there's me as the main actor and then, surely, there should also be the guy I fall in love with and live happily ever after. Well that is if he is one of the good guys, if he's one of the baddies than my happiness will have to wait.

And maybe that's how we see ourselves, our lives, like a movie, and we can identify all the characters and their roles and what they stand for. There's only one problem, we enact it so well, sometimes we forget that we can take on other roles, play different movies. Like my grandmother, we can't dissociate ourselves from the character we play.

And we believe that we are the person in the story and we follow it through. Because if we are not that person then who are we?

I'm not quite done formulating my theory, but maybe, when we can no longer tell the difference between the role we play and who we are, then here is the moment when something happens. And this is my proposal. We begin believing that 'there's only one side to who we are'. Then we start thinking that if we are a female character than we should behave like the script tells us to, and if we are a male character then we should behave like the script tells you to. Whatever other dimension of  being we have that does not fit into the script it needs to be 'dropped.' Like when we become adults and forget the child we once were. Or like a dog who learns new tricks. And then yes, then we can finally begin building on the 'A type' the one in the script, the one that is generally accepted.


The only thing is that you can't 'drop' being, you can't 'drop existence'. So something happens in our mind, in our brilliant mind. It stores it. It's all stored. Like in a warehouse, or a big library with old books. And sometimes, this 'being' that does not fit in the script comes out. It does so because it's alive, and it's still growing, it continues growing every time we 'drop it'.
And I'm going to call this 'being' Freedom, the one that is natural, without script, the rebel.

So, we're so busy trying to perform the role of our lives that we forget to lock the door of the library, and Freedom, like a child comes out to play. Only very quietly because it can't be noticed. It does not fit with the script, so it sneaks. And when it's out it has to wear different disguises, my favouritte one is Creativity.

And it laughs too, because we don't know it's out. And does amazing things, like movies, construes completely different lives, paints, sings, speaks different languages, dresses differently and it tells amazing stories. And every times it's out it leaves traces, seeds of hinting very subtly that we already have the ability to become anything we imagine. We don't need to practice.

But our script is powerful, it started from the day we were born. Early on we are enroled in the character we are to become. We are told that there's 'the right way to be' and we believe this. And we go through our lives chasing after our tails, feeling bad because we're not good enough, we're not this, we're not that. Hell. And we keep 'dropping' and 'dropping' our being, trying hard to be the character that we are not and rejecting the one we are. And we drop some more, until one day there's no more to drop. And we can finally tell the great story of our lives, the one where we didn't even exist.


We have eyes that don't see, mouths that don't speak and ears that don't hear but there is hope, we still have Freedom.

Imagine if we were told from the beginning that we could be anything and given the tools to be anything. If our script was different....

Imagine.

 Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people sharing all the world

Am I free?

I recently finished reading 'The Matter with Morris' by David Bergen. This book tells of a man plunged into a search for the meaning of justice following the accidental death of his son in the war in Afghanistan. This search takes him to read Socrates, and amongst other things, his quest leads him to pose the question 'Are you free?' to people on the street .

I found myself pausing at this question and wondering to myself 'Am I free'? I can understand that this is not an easy question and any attempt to answer it, is just that, an attempt. Yet, I looked keenly at my life and how my definition of Freedom has changed over time and where I am on that definition today.

I see myself as a free person, in that I have choice. I can choose what to do with my life, where to go, whom to see, what to believe. I also believe that freedom comes with a great responsibility to choose well and we each bear that responsibility, for ourselves and the world at large. I've not always done that in my life.

As a teenager I misconstrued freedom with financial independence. It could have been freedom, but I chose badly and soon found myself managing debts. The illusion that I was in control, was upheld by the fact that I was working and earning money, and as long as I had money coming in I could 'effectively' manage my debt. When I watched the collapse of the financial institutions, it did not take me long to realise that it was the collective actions of individuals that made it happen. Not just the bankers but also the average Joe, who borrowed money to finance a lifestyle he/she knew could not be funded with their own resources. Actions led, ultimately, by greed. Myself included.

'We do not deal much in facts when we are contemplating ourselves. ~Mark Twain

My second conscious experience with freedom came when as a young adult I stopped relaxing my hair and chose to wear it natural. No more worrying about hair salon appointments, now I just get up and go.

I used to spend a considerable amount of time concerned with how I looked, worried about how my hair looked and the clothes I wear. And sometimes if I did not feel good about my external appearance I found it hard to leave the house. This distraction, which takes many forms, I cannot find another name for other than Vanity.
van·i·ty  (vn-t)

n. pl. van·i·ties

1. The quality or condition of being vain.

2. Excessive pride in one's appearance or accomplishments; conceit. See Synonyms at conceit.

3. Lack of usefulness, worth, or effect; worthlessness.

4.

a. Something that is vain, futile, or worthless.

b. Something about which one is vain or conceited.

5. A vanity case.

6. See dressing table.

7. A bathroom cabinet that encloses a basin and its water lines and drain, usually furnished with shelves and drawers underneath for storage of toiletries.

This mistress of deception has been around for a long time and manipulates individuals to search outside for what they need to feel good inside. It survives through culture, history, geographical locations and institutions. It was very difficult for me to see Vanity,  first I thought that it was the 'oppression of white society' and their ideas of beauty that made me forsake my own. Then I moved on to thinking that if my parents had said they loved me more often all would have been well. Then I came to this space where I thought that I didn't love myself enough.

When I stopped blaming others I finally took responsibility for the messages I told myself and I saw Vanity as a distraction that could be easily discarded.

“I wrote these words for everyone/Who struggles in their youth/Who won't accept deception
Instead of what is truth/It seems we lose the game/Before we even start to play/Who made these rules? We're so confused/Easily led astray.” Lauryn Hill in Everything is Everything

After I got married I knocked down a few more of the walls around my heart. The ones I spent time building so I would not get hurt. What I call walls, are no more than stories I told myself about me, people and men, stories that serve no other purpose than to keep me away from people, safe. Everyone has them.

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” - Jalal Ad-Din Muhammad Rumi, Persian poet

Marriage is one of the few rituals we still hold according to old traditions. Very little has changed. I think that the reason why is because it works. It holds a formula that helps keep humanity's excesses in balance by encouraging a way of life that is not just about ourselves, our needs and wants. Encouraging us to loose ourselves everyday a little by embracing the unknown of loving someone without ever fully knowing them.


In my vows I found guidelines to help me choose well. I found integrity by committing my word publicly to the well-being of another, restraint by committing my body to one man and love by choosing love for everyday of my life. And in this space of possibility, freed of man's fears, I saw two human beings choosing to love and respect each other in this context we call world.

Marriage elevated my world to a language I did not know before. One that is about life and permanence.

"Imagine there's no countries/ It isn't hard to do/ Nothing to kill or die for/And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace" - Imagine by John Lennon

Freedom I come to realise is not about having it all, it's about having enough. And I would even go further in saying that the biggest challenge in being free is that once you attain you let it go. When you hold on to it very dearly then you're no longer free. And freedom needs the space to evolve. Personally, I think we're ill prepared for it and I care not for the freedom that sustains itself by taking away from others. There's no need. There's plenty for everyone if we choose to exercise our freedom responsibly and collectively so that other generations can live a full life in this planet we call home.

But nothing changes if we don't confront it and the first premise to this way of life starts with your attempt to question yourself, are you free?

The Actor...

I think that as children we get it. We get life.

As children we notice when our freedom is being taken away, more so than we do as adults. Back then we protested and we put a hell of a fight.

We felt the world of 'conventions' pushing into our freedom and we screamed our lungs out.Those moments when it's no longer o.k to wear diapers, no longer o.k to suck your dummy, no longer o.k to play with dolls.

It happens very gradually and we're groomed from birth into the 'right behaviours'. We are told even before we know it that we are 'a girl' or we are 'a boy' and we're taught the behaviours that go with that role. We are given a name then we are taught how to respond to the calling of our name and once we identify with our name, we identify with the story that comes with it.

We are taught to speak in someone else's language with someone else's meanings and we learn to communicate in this way. And we believe 'this must be the right way'.

Sometimes, during adolescence we rebel, we act out of our role. We experience a freedom that we feel is owed to us, we try to manage our journey, we question our parents, the institutions of knowledge, we question it all. Because in that brief period we don't believe in the story we're being told and we want to create our own.

But eventually we conform, we're told 'that's not the way we do things here' and we become afraid of losing something.

We're not quite clear what it is we are afraid to lose, we conform and we follow the rules that have been around before we were borne, and evidence shows that they worked well for our fathers and those before us. So we believe 'this must be the right way'.

Sometimes during our adult life, we do feel pangs of panic, we do feel as if the life we are living is not our own or is not real. We do feel that we are playing a role. But then in those moments when it does not make sense, we are reassured by our families, our friends, our possessions that the life we live is our own, and all will be alright.

Some of us can't handle the pressure to conform, some of us opt out, others lose themselves in imaginary worlds, others numb themselves into oblivion. And gradually we forget what it is that hurts so much, and we go back to sleep, and we pray and we hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

And if we are 'lucky' and we played our role well, we can write a book about it and maybe it will be turned into a movie and someone else will get to live our life, to be us. Just like that.

We seem to be enacting the story over and over again. Different people, different times, different clothes but same story. You wonder, haven't I heard/seen this before? Yes you have, it's the story of mankind. The story of survival.

Good luck!

Have a little faith

I'm reading Mitch Albom's book 'Have a Little Faith', early days so I can't comment yet. I read his 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and got me to tears is so beautiful. So this is the second book I read.

I would like to share a passage from the book, a conversation between Mitch Albom and his Rabi when he was still a teenager. The Rabi asks him if he thought his parents were perfect, and Mitch, as a teenager replies that they're not perfect but they don't need improvement. Following this, the Rabi says that this saying is very insightful because... and I quote:-

"Because it means you are willing to accept people as they are. Nobody is perfect. Not even mum and dad and that's okay"

Permission to be...

...smart dum informed stupid silly ignorant curious successful failure risky adventurous shy fashionable clueless introvert wannabe scared brave fearful crazy nuts dullally healthy sick smoker crackhead careless perfect talented black white brown yellow orange blue single married gay lesbian homossexual bisexual hemaphrodite rich poor middle-class thief mother father grandparent sister-in-law french english portuguese angolan african european illiterate ugly pretty gorgeous ok fat slim sexy normal obese good bad naughty rebel funky nice honest liar rude disrespectful idealist dreamer realist boring couch potato activist suicidal child adult old young man woman alien tree animal arrogant selfish kind generous greedy right wrong...

Permission to be human granted!

'I am' - the blog

One of my fellow bloggers, Marcela, posted some time ago a request, asking us a community of Angolan bloggers why we blog. This is my answer to that.

I think that most of humanity sacrifices individuality for the benefit of the greater good. Almost as if saying 'I don't matter'.

For me writing this blog is an ego trip, my way of saying actually 'I do matter'.  Ego being that part of my self that wants the praise, the recognition and the applause.

My life is no different to many others out there and 'as I experience I am', that's my motto. And these experiences, this knowledge, questions that I am getting from 'living' I want to record now, as I experience them and maybe one day read them again and see how much I've 'grown'.

I'm on an existentialist journey and maybe at the end of it 'I' will survive or maybe not. And these fragments -  I call them fragments because I've not been able to piece together - my life, I don't understand, so until then I record these fragments, which I sometimes feel, 'are' prior to my existence.

My being  here does not change life, life just is. And I don't think that I will do something extraordinary that I will be remembered for generations to come. But right now I have 'me' and I can use 'me' to understand.

The other process of this 'recording' is to help me remember. Remember that I am human, not perfect, confused, curious, shy, stupid, creative at times, too serious, weak, a being, and that's all right!

Don't we all just live celebrating the past, or trying desperately not to forget our life, through photos, music, writing. We're all trying not to forget the days of our lives...

So this project here, ultimately, is just for me!

Doing the right thing?

There is so much talk about doing the right thing.

As individuals it seems most times we're drawn to doing what is 'right'. I remember one day passionately talking to my brother-in-law about charity work I was doing and how good it was and he challenged me on that, and made me reflect on who was getting the most benefit. As, there are times we think we are helping others, but really we're helping ourselves first, by making ourselves feel good. And there's nothing wrong with that but I have to ask when is 'enough' help 'enough'?

How do we measure the results/impact of our help? How do we assess our own 'work' as such? How do we now that your help is helping to solve the problem. Do we give an individual money or do we teach them how to get it, how to stand on his own? What if that's not what he wants? Are we best placed to say that's what he needs? Don't we need to know someone before we can really offer/provide any kind of sustainable help? Can we really help someone without investing considerable time getting to know the person.

Maybe there's no point knowing. Maybe it's better not knowing them. Most people never really get to know themselves. But how can we truly help someone, anyone at all if we're not interested in them as people? How can we make a difference?

Best help I received in my life came from those who were honest with me, those who weren't trying to make me happy or contribute to my delusions. Best help didn't come in the format of money, material goods or food. It came from attention and love, tough love. And it's the kind of help that you don't see the results short-term, only through growth. It's a long-term investment... I guess there is a place for both to co-exist. But in order to make a difference in the lives of those we want to 'help'  we do need to give up on the short-term satisfaction of feeling good about ourselves and looking good.

I don't know where to start, but I know that there's a lot of 'help' available today that is not good. That is not geared towards the freedom of others, is a 'help' that promotes 'help' and keeps people down.

How can we tell good help from bad help? You let me know.


Definition of Help
help  (hlp)

v. helped, help·ing, helps

v.tr.

1. To give assistance to; aid: I helped her find the book. He helped me into my coat.

2. To contribute to the furtherance of; promote.

3. To give relief to: help the needy.

4. To ease; relieve: medication to help your cold.

5. To change for the better; improve: A fresh coat of paint will help a scarred old table.

6. To refrain from; avoid or resist. Used with can or cannot: couldn't help laughing.

7. To wait on, as in a store or restaurant.

v.intr.

To be of service; give assistance.

n.

1.

a. The act or an instance of helping.

b. Aid or assistance.

2. Relief; remedy.

3. One that helps: You've been a great help. A food processor is a help to the serious cook.

4. A person employed to help, especially a farm worker or domestic servant.

Such employees considered as a group. Often used with the.

Idiom: help (oneself) to

1. To serve or provide oneself with: Help yourself to the cookies.

2. Informal To take (something) without asking permission: The thief helped himself to our family silve

Here we are again!

Every time Christmas's arrives I find myself questioning the season's celebrations. Not so much for what it is but what has become. I recall frantic dashes to the shops to buy last minute presents, stressing out with family over Christmas dinner, and in the end being overwhelmed by the bad feelings the stress leaves. This year though, I'm in Sydney with my husband and it's just us. Being here in a warm country, the daily rituals we would otherwise perform in wintery Europe do not seem to make much sense. Yet, there they are, the Christmas trees, the Christmas lights, Santa Claus dressed in his winter outfit where otherwise is very warm.

And the presents. In the mist of all the consumerism that goes on in this season, I suppose I wonder if we loose touch with the message. The togetherness, being, reflecting, being thankful. Maybe we do, maybe we don't. I actually think it's a bit of both. 

It just made me reflect about rituals and how blindly we follow them. Made me question the value of some of the 'winter theme' somewhere where it is otherwise warm. Not warm, hot. I have hope though. I saw some families who spent their Christmas and Boxing Day by the beach, sort of picnic like.

When I was little I looked forward to Christmas, to the presents I would get mainly. I loved all the food, and watching my aunties in the kitchen. Staying up till late and eating loads. It was great. As an adult, I think I see more of the things that don't work these days. Or maybe I'm coming full circle and understanding the two sides of life. Of this life, right here and right now.

The mind has a tendency to dwell on the negative. I'm thankful for my life, and at times like this, at least right here and right now, I seem to think of those who don't have what I have and wonder on the meaning of Christmas for them. Or even those cultures for whom Christmas does not have a meaning.

This year I've been away from all the little 'traditional rituals' that I would otherwise perform at this time of the year. So Christmas has a different meaning for me this year. Yet I've fully enjoyed, just being with my husband. Having a nice meal, walking by the beach and watching movies until late. In between I thought about others, those who don't celebrate, those who do, those who are no longer here to celebrate. I found myself asking, what is Christmas for me? What does it mean? How would I like to celebrate/spend this time? Does the meaning the Church bestows upon it mean the same to me? Do I have to celebrate because most of the world does? Because my family and friends do?

I know the answers that I'm seeking and trying aimlessly not to take action or to feel justified in not doing so. I can do whatever I want. Fact is I'm afraid to take actions that go against the general agreement. It's easier to just follow the crowd. And that's where I am right now, in this space where I just do or don't and all the rest is just lazy babble.

And in this babble I recognise that Christmas does not have the same meaning for me anymore and I want to create a 'Christmas' that makes sense for me to celebrate. One that takes in what I know and how I feel...

The Risk of Independence

I dedicate this one to my cousin Daniela and my young brother Goncalo, who are entering adulthood. It's a tough transition and there are no written rules to guide you. As you grow, be safe in the knowledge that you have friends and family that will always love you, no matter what you do, as long as you are you. And you have friends with whom you can talk about anything, but you need to reach and be brave to ask for help whenever you need it. Love you both very much.

The passage below was taken from the book The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck


"Thus all life represents a risk, and the more lovingly we live our lives the more risks we take. Of the thousands maybe even millions, of risks we can take in a lifetime the greatest is the risk of growing up. Growing up is the act of stepping from childhood into adulthood. Actually it is more of a fearful leap than a step, and it is a leap that many people never really take in their lifetimes. Though they may outwardly appear to be adults, even successful adults, perhaps the majority of 'grown-ups' remain until their death psychological children who have never truly separated themselves from their parents and the power that their parents have over them.

[...] At the age of thirteen I went away from home to Phillips Exeter Academy, a boy's preparatory school of the very highest reputation, to which my brother had gone before me. I knew that I was very fortunate to be going there, because attendance at Exeter was part of a well defined pattern that would lead me to the one of the best Ivy League colleges and from there int the highest echelons of the Establishment, whose doors would be wide open to me on account of my educational background. [...] The only problem was that almost immediately after starting Exeter I became miserably unhappy. The reasons for my unhappiness were totally obscure to me then and are still quite profoundly mysterious to me today. I just didn't seem to fit. Yet there seemed nothing to do other than try to make the best of it and try to mold my imperfections so that I could fit more comfortably into this pattern that had been laid out for me and that was so obviously the right pattern. Yet my daily life appeared more meaningless and I felt more wretched. [...] when I returned home for spring vacation of my third year and announced that I was not going to return to school. [...] My parents were understandably alarmed and took me forthwith to a psychiatrist, who stated that I was depressed and recommended a month's hospitalisation, giving me a day to decide whether or not this was what I wanted. That night was the only time I ever considered suicide. My brother had adjusted to Exeter, why couldn't I? I knew that my difficulty in adjusting was entirely my fault, and I felt totally inadequate , incompetent and worthless. Worse, I believed that I was probably insane. If I returned to Exeter, I would be returning to all that was safe, secure, right, proper, constructive, proven and known. Yet it was not me. But what was my path? If I did not return, all that lay ahead was unknown, undetermined, unsafe, insecure, unsanctified, unpredictable.  [...] Even if it meant being crazy and out of step with all that seemed holy, I had decided to be me. [...] I had taken my destiny into my own hands.

The process of growing up usually occurs  very gradually with multiple little leaps in the unknown, such as when an eight-year-old boy first takes the risk of riding his bike down to the country store all by himself or a fifteen-year-old goes out on his first date. If you doubt that these represent real risks, then you cannot remember the anxiety involved.

[...] Among all the little leaps we might take, there are also some enormous ones, as when by leaving school I was also forsaking a whole pattern of life and values according to which I had been raised. Many never take any of these potential enormous leaps, and consequently do not ever really grow up at all. Despite their outward appearances they remain psychologically still very much the children of their parents, living by hand-me-down values, motivated primarily by their parents' approval and disapproval (even when their parents are long dead and buried), never having dared to truly take their destiny into their own hands.

But what has this business of growing up to do with love [...]? It is precisely because I valued myself that I was unwilling to remain miserable in a school and whole social environment that did not fit my needs. [...] Secondly, not only does love for oneself provide the motive for such major changes; it also is the basis for the courage to risk them. [...] Finally, it is only when one has taken the leap into the unknown of total selfhood, psychological independence and unique individuality that one is free to proceed along still higher paths of spiritual growth and free to manifest love in its greatest dimensions.

[...] The highest forms of love are inevitably totally free choices and not acts of conformity."

!

Live.

Little Children

“We're all miracles. Know why? Because as humans, every day we go about our business, and all that time we know... we all know... that the things we love... the people we love, at any time now can all be taken away. We live knowing that and we keep going anyway. Animals don't do that.” - Little Children, movie quote

I found this quote profound. It touched me deeply an it changed me.

I think that most of us live our lives as if we'd be here forever, hardly thinking about it, unless or for most part, when it knocks on our door. We keep leaving things for tomorrow, another day, one day... assuming that we will be here.

Maybe not a fair assumption, maybe there are many of us who do consider it and do carry on, as a miracle. I am one of those who thinks about it. I know that life is very fragile, every day I wake up, every day I breathe, is a blessing.

When you look at this new proposition, then it becomes inconsistent to lead a life in the same careless way. You just can't, I can't.

When I think about it in this way I feel truly alive. I look at life differently, I take in life by bits... the air I breathe, the water I drink, the things I touch... the love I have in my life.

Almost as if by holding this truth I become a different person.

On a book I read 'Tuesday's with Morrie' it tells of this man who's on his dying days and one of the things he does, he organises a pre-death funeral party, a gathering with all his friends where he invites them to share their feelings with him, readings/comments they would say at his funeral. A bit sombre, maybe, but it gives them the chance to share their feelings with him whilst he is alive. Makes perfect sense to me!

We're funny creatures like that. We hold on to all these things with a plan to do it one day. The moment is now. Who knows about tomorrow?

Love. Explore. Dream. Discover. Today.

Humanity as one family

"I believe in recognizing every human being as a human being, neither white, black, brown nor red. When you are dealing with humanity as one family, there's no question of integration or intermarriage. It's just one human being marrying another human being, or one human being living around and with another human being."




Excerpt from the
The Pierre Berton Interview
Malcolm X, Pierre Berton
January 19, 1965

Balanced perilously on the edge of time

In life we meet people. Sometimes the encounter lasts a bit longer, others it does not it's short. In each circumstance we are touched by others and we touch others.

Yet we don't give much thought to how we might impact on the other person's life. Exchanges of energy, experience, emotion added to life.

We may or may not see each other again but what has changed is the strength of the binding that holds us together.

I watch, human interactions – their intensity or lack of. How much we affect each other. Yet careless in our handling of human emotions. Arrogant in our knowledge of the world around us, within us. So capable of love and destruction.

So frail?

Our own sanity is balanced perilously on the edge of time.

Be Life Curious: rebel!

[As I write this, I am aware that my knowledge is finite, and that my view is shaped by the information available to me at the moment. My commentary is open to challenge. I understand that I'm forever evolving and so is my knowledge]

The journey to acceptance and self-love is not an easy one.

From the moment we are born we are taught to seek external stimuli as a way to prove our self-worth i.e. being a good daughter/soon, or through the love of God, or professional/ academic achievement, financial stability, external beauty... and the list goes on. Who made these rules?

The real journey, however, begins inside, in realising that we first need to love ourselves. In recognising our humanity, in loving our weaknesses as well as our strengths. In forgiving ourselves. But no one teaches you that.

When we find this inner balance the truth is revealed to us: we are all equal, we all go through the same things, there's nothing diving us other than the distance we create ourselves.

We are united in our humanity: we all need the air to breathe, water, sun, shelter, food and love. We are ONE with the universe. All that divides us is what we create, what we were taught to value: our nationality, our race, our religion, our history, our individuality... All that just creates more division and prevents us from seeing the ultimate truth: we are equal!

Why do we continue to support wars and inequality, why do we continue to promote individuality when the real problem, the one that really needs addressing, the one thing we all need to live is pushed away with secondary measures that do not seem to solve anything: recycling, e-products, alternative sources of energy that no ones seems to be using... Our planet is dying, and it's going to take a whole lot more than this to fix all the damage we continue doing. 

Right now we need a revolution of the mind, to free ourselves from our individuality and begin the real journey. That as a collective, a group of people looking after each other and using our intellect to find ways to manage earth's resources in an intelligent manner so that the generations to come have a place to live.

I think that a lot of us are already on this path of self-love, either triggered by doing the job they love, marrying someone outside of their race, loosing someone dear to you, returning to your roots. There are stories of people, who through adversity have found their calling. Actually what it really means is that they got rid of the distractions and now they can clearly see that true happiness comes not from HAVING but from BEING.

We need to be life curious and rebel against the institutions that enslave our minds and seek the truth for ourselves. What instituitions? The ones that make the rules of the game we are playing: the media, the banking system, religion, large corporations, government.
How can you think for yourself if your energy is focused in paying the bills, working 9-5, watching T.V., browsing the internet, fashion, squeeze in a social life, squeeze in exercise, don't forget your shopping. Why is it that a Louis Vuitton bag costs triple as much as a similar bag made by another an unknown designer? Why is it that your local produce is more expensive than the one that comes from Spain or Asia? Why must we pay more for things that should rightly be available to us? Ask yourself. Who decides the value of things? 

Just rebel! Understand that I'm not calling for violence. I am asking that you seek the answers for your questions. That you research, that you use your brains. You already have all you need to be happy! Everything else is propaganda sold to you by a society that needs you to believe that you're weak and powerless and it does so by keeping you distracted, by encouraging you to promote the differences, what they call your individuality.

Our environment is crippling our ability to think. And the biggest con of all was the one that convinced us that we can justify taking life (killing) to preserve our 'individuality' our 'lifestyle' our 'freedom': wars, abortion, genocide... When it becomes 'ok' to take LIFE then everything else becomes a 'disorder'.

It is not our natural way of being to hate, but it is our natural way to love and give life! When that ability is taken away from us we shut down. We close ourselves so that we don't get hurt and in doing that we are removing from the equation the one thing that connects us to everyone else in the world: Love. When that happens you get 'disorders'. Could it be that all the pain that is happening in the world is due to lack of love?

The world we live in needs you to believe that you are alone in your suffering, that you are alone in your situation, so that you keep beating yourself up and 'keep calm and carry on'. Keep you from realising that we're all equal, that we are all connected in our humanity and if we reach out to one another, if we understand that we are all on the same boat then we will have access to knowledge: together we have power to change things!

'Be life curious!'

I am

When I first started the blog I was hoping this to be a space of sharing me, of discovering who I am everyday. The problem was that 'me' was not defined and forever evolving.

So I started capturing fragments of me, often in the format of quotes I heard in movies.

Since then I've signed up to other blogs. Where sometimes I post comments. I also joined a few groups.

I didn't want to write down more fragments. Sometimes I need to hear myself writing and talking to realise what I'm saying. What my voice is. And those fragments. What are they saying?

I think I know now. And I can begin to share.